


Open Up, Fucknugget!

by Arvari



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: ... but it's got Lambert in it so no big surprise, ... or are they?, Eskel is a Good Bro, Fluff and Humor, Friends With Benefits, Idiots in Love, Lambert Being Lambert (The Witcher), Lambert Being a Little Shit (The Witcher), M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:56:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28810743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arvari/pseuds/Arvari
Summary: “Are you feeling alright?” Eskel asks, lifting an eyebrow. “Because if you’re sick or something, I’ll just grab him and we’ll go to my place.”“He’d probably bite you,” Geralt smirks.“He’s bitten me before, no big deal.”“It’s fine. I just… forgot, that’s all. Come in.”Eskel nods and follows Geralt to the living room, where Lambert is already standing, holding a pair of bright pink boxers between two fingers and studying it with a smirk.“Well,” he chuckles. “I see your roommate had company yesterday…”Jaskier, who’s currently frantically looking for that very pair of bright pink boxers in Geralt’s bedroom, freezes and his eyes go wide.“Oh,” he whispers. “Fuck.”***Based on thisPOSTon Tumblr. It was supposed to be very short and funny, but then it kind of caught feelings. Not my fault, is it?
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 6
Kudos: 247





	Open Up, Fucknugget!

“What is it, Eskel?” Geralt’s husky voice says from the phone.

“Geralt. Hi. We’re here with Lambert and… Oh, did you just wake up?” Eskel mutters softly.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” Lambert growls and lifts his hand to slam his fist on the door. “Open up, fucknugget!” he yells.

“Lambert,” Eskel sighs, rolling his eyes. “We’ve talked about this.”

“It’s half past three, Esk,” Lambert growls. “And the piece of chicken shit isn’t even awake yet. He deserves it.”

“You’re just mad that Aiden didn’t let _you_ sleep until lunch, aren’t you?”

“Hardly. He woke me up by swallowing my cock, so my morning wasn’t exactly horrible.”

“Jesus. Do you even know what _too much information_ means, Lamby?”

“Yup. That’s why I’m not telling you what happened _after_ ,” Lambert grins.

“Thanks. Really appreciate it.”

The key rattles in the lock and the door opens to reveal a very ruffled and slightly confused Geralt wrapped in his blanket.

“What the fuck do you want?” he mutters before his eyes fall on a bucket of chicken wings in Eskel’s hand and a six pack of beer in Lambert’s. “Oh, _fuck_. Gaming Saturday, is it?”

“Are you telling me you _forgot_ , dickhead?” Lambert smirks, already pushing his way in. “Move, it’s cold as fuck outside. And make me a coffee. A _big_ one, Aiden was so bored and horny he woke me up at eight, could you believe that?!”

“Are you feeling alright?” Eskel asks, lifting an eyebrow. “Because if you’re sick or something, I’ll just grab him and we’ll go to my place.”

“He’d probably bite you,” Geralt smirks.

“He’s bitten me before, no big deal.”

“It’s fine. I just… forgot, that’s all. Come in.”

Eskel nods and follows Geralt to the living room, where Lambert is already standing, holding a pair of bright pink boxers between two fingers and studying it with a smirk.

“Well,” he chuckles. “I see your roommate had company yesterday…”

Jaskier, who’s currently frantically looking for that very pair of bright pink boxers in Geralt’s bedroom, freezes and his eyes go wide.

“Oh,” he whispers. “ _Fuck_.”

Geralt growls and snatches Jaskier’s underwear from Lambert’s hand.

“I’ve told him a million times not to leave his shit lying all around the place,” he says before he starts picking up Jaskier’s clothes – and his own with them.

“Where is he, anyway?” Eskel asks, sitting down in his favorite armchair.

“Do I look like his fucking babysitter?” Geralt grunts.

“Probably went out with yesterday’s fuckboy,” Lambert says helpfully. “You’re a fucking idiot, Wolf, aren’t you?”

Geralt pauses with an armful of clothes and frowns at him.

“Why am I an idiot?”

“Because you’d rather watch him fuck around than tell him you’re madly in love with him?”

Geralt gulps and shoots a glance at the closed door of his bedroom. He can only hope Jaskier didn’t hear.

“I’m with Lambert on that one,” Eskel says, turning on the TV and grabbing a controller. “You should just grow some balls and tell him the truth. Look how grumpy you are just because he had someone over!”

“I’m not grumpy because he had someone over,” Geralt sighs, opens the door of Jaskier’s bedroom and throws the clothes on the floor.

And it’s true. He’s grumpy because when Eskel called, he was just about to be fucked into oblivion by Jaskier.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say,” Lambert shrugs. “Hey, are you gonna spend the whole afternoon wrapped in your blanket? And where’s my fucking coffee?”

“Gimme a minute to put something on, _then_ I’ll make you a fucking coffee.”

“What are we playing today?” Eskel asks just as Geralt’s about to disappear in his bedroom.

“I don’t care. Just choose something.”

The door slams behind Geralt and Lambert chuckles.

“Yeah, he’s not grumpy at all…”

When Geralt enters the room, Jaskier is lying on the bed and giving him a look that’s probably meant to convey nothing, but it tells Geralt that he heard _everything_.

Geralt groans and sits on the bed. A second later, Jaskier is already wrapping his arms around him.

“So, let me guess,” Jaskier murmurs. “I’m supposed to just sit here quietly and wait until your brothers decide to leave, am I right?”

“Well, you could always sneak out through the window and then come back through the front door, pretending you’ve just come back home.”

“Yeah, one tiny problem with that. It seems that I kind of… don’t have any clothes here, babe.”

“Borrow mine, then, sneak out and… I don’t know, go for a walk? Grab a coffee?”

“Mhm…” Jaskier hums against Geralt’s shoulder. “Nah, I’m fine. Can I borrow your laptop to play Sims?”

“Have I ever said no to that?” Geralt grins and turns his head to give Jaskier a brief kiss. “I’m sorry. For… You know.”

“It’s alright. I get it. You’re not ready to tell them yet.”

“It’s not that I’m… I mean, I’m not sure _what_ should we tell them. Hey, you know Jaskier’s my roommate and my best friend, right, well, we’ve also been fuck buddies for about a month now, isn’t it awesome?”

“Oh, Geralt,” Jaskier chuckles softly, his eyes gleaming. “You beautiful, hunky _idiot_.”

“What?” Geralt blinks. “That’s what we are, isn’t it? Or… friends with benefits, whatever you wish to call it.”

“Geralt. Geralt, Geralt, Geralt,” Jaskier whispers, climbing onto his lover’s lap. “I am just now realizing there’s been a terrible misunderstanding between us. It seems that I have completely failed to mention that I’m madly in love with you, too.”

Geralt’s eyes go almost comically wide.

“Oh,” he gasps as he lets his palms rest on Jaskier’s hips. “I mean… _Oh_.”

“Oh indeed,” Jaskier grins. “So… What are you going to do about it, Wolf?”

Eskel smirks when a loud moan reaches their ears, but he never takes his eyes off the screen.

“Looks like Jaskier’s been found,” he says. “By the way, you owe me a hundred.”

“Fucking motherfucker,” Lambert groans, frantically pushing the buttons on his controller. “I’m gonna kill that bardfucking asshole the second he steps out of the fucking bedroom.”

“Oh, come on. Don’t tell me you weren’t… Fuck off, you ass! Tell me you weren’t sick of them gazing longingly at each other.”

“Of course I was. It was disgusting. Like a pair of lovesick puppies. Ha! Eat shit, you fucker!”

“Now _that_ was just brutal, Lamby,” Eskel sighs and grabs a chicken wing. “Rematch?”

“Sure, why not? Doesn’t sound like they’re about to be finished anytime soon.”

“And good for them.”

Lambert nods and opens a beer.

“Are we ever gonna tell the idiots that we didn’t have a gaming Saturday this week and we just wanted to catch them red-handed?”

“Nah. It’s probably safer if they don’t know.”

A high-pitched yelp sounds from the bedroom and Lambert rolls his eyes.

“Jesus fucking Christ, I fell kind of sorry for their neighbors,” he laughs. “Ready for the rematch, Esk?”

“Yes, please,” Eskel says, grabbing the controller. “And turn the volume up.”

“Already on it. Hey, shouldn’t we order a pizza or something? They’re probably gonna be hungry after an exercise like that.”

“Great idea. You’re paying.”

“Fuck off. The loser pays, and you’ve lost like four matches already.”

“But you lost the bet.”

“You know damn well that doesn’t count!”

There’s a litany of “harder, Jask, _harder_ ” coming from the bedroom. Eskel grins.

“Or… We could make _them_ pay for it, to make up for the severe trauma they’re just putting us through.”

“Oh, Eskel,” Lambert snorts. “Never thought you had it in you…”


End file.
